The day you got married, you said your vows wholeheartedly. You knew this was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. You knew marriage would be difficult at times, but you had no idea it would ever come to the point where you would want out.

It’s probably easy to recall many wonderful times you have had together, but they are often overshadowed by the strain of all that has burdened your marriage for many months and even years. You don’t know how to fix all that’s broken in your marriage, and wonder if divorce is the answer. When you think of getting a divorce, the feelings are mixed. You desire relief from the ongoing disagreements, cutting remarks, and emotional exhaustion. On the other hand, you deeply love and care for this person you promised to love and cherish forever, and wonder if there’s another option?

While we provide legal services for anyone looking for a divorce, we also hope that if there’s any way to save your marriage, that you would consider taking those steps first. Divorce has a ripple effect – those who get divorce often have no idea the effect their choice has on close relatives and friends, especially children, whether young or all grown up.

But before we go on, let’s first deal with the issue of safety. If you are being physically, emotionally, sexually abused and/or your children are suffering under any kind of abuse from your spouse, you must get out immediately and seek professional help. There may still be ways to save your marriage and save your family, but not if anyone’s safety is compromised.

If safety is not your number one concern in your marriage, then we’d like to suggest a few helpful questions to ask yourself before making the final decision to get a divorce.

1. What Has Your Level of Commitment Been In The Marriage? If you have not put forth every effort to work on your marriage, to partner with your spouse in every aspect of your relationship, to work through and face the difficult issues, and to honestly look at your own role in perpetuating certain dysfunction in your marriage, then you must face the fact that your low level of commitment has contributed to your desire to walk away from the marriage.
2. Are You Threatening Divorce To Get Your Way? There are countless situations in marriage where one or both spouses resorts to manipulation in order to get their way on any particular disagreement they may be having. Threatening divorce is cruel and hurtful to the marriage relationship. It says, “Give me my way or watch me walk away.” This is not a true love relationship with give and take on both sides. This is a relationship based on whoever gets their way – no matter the cost – wins.
3. Have You Considered the Effect Your Divorce Will Have? People are so quick to get a divorce and move on, that they forget or don’t even realize the effect that such an action has on those around them, those who are most closely connected to you as a couple, especially children. Have you considered what divorce will do to their world? They have no control, no say over your decision, and yet, they are expected to comply with shared custody, moving back and forth several times a month so that you and your spouse can be apart. Have you also considered the financial effects of divorce? It is a decision that could affect your financial security for years to come.
4. Do You Both Want A Divorce? Sometimes, it is just one spouse who wants a divorce while the other spouse is either clueless about the level of dissatisfaction in the marriage or truly wants to work on the marriage. If one person wants a divorce without any desire for reconciliation, then it leaves the other spouse in a very difficult spot, without many options but to move forward with the divorce.
5. What Made You Love Your Spouse In The First Place? After you get married and get into a rhythm of life with careers, children, family, hobbies, and other activities, it is easy (and quite common) to find you have grown apart. You realize that the intimacy just isn’t there. But you can ask yourself when the intimacy stopped and remember all that you loved about your spouse in the first place. Another common difficulty is not knowing how to reconnect after your children have left the nest. This is a wonderful time to rediscover the love you had for each other by participating in similar activities and spending time talking through some of the struggles you’ve been facing.
6. Have You Seen A Counselor or Mediator? If you or your spouse are on the fence, why not agree to talk with a counselor or mediator to try to bridge the gap on issues that require immediate attention.

There are probably hundreds of different ways you can rekindle the romance you once experienced and enjoyed with your spouse, but here are a few ways that we think your marriage would benefit.

1. Purpose To Spend Time Together. It is common for couples to be married and yet, to lead very separate lives. Become interested in activities and hobbies that your spouse is interested in, take walks together, eat your meals together, plan a day trip to another city and plan it according to what you know will please your spouse.
2. Plan A Weekend Getaway. There are wonderful places to get away together, but you might also looking specifically for organizations that host marriage retreats, where the focus is to rekindle the spark in your marriage.
3. Start Reaching Out to Your Spouse With A Love Journal. Write your feelings and questions in a journal, and let your spouse respond at his/her convenience.
4. Listen. When two people have been married for so long, they often complete each other’s thoughts and sentences. But look at and listen to your spouse as though you were dating again. Find out who they are today. Don’t be a know-it-all.

We wanted to share some alternative ideas to getting a divorce, but we realize that not all situations are so cut and dry. Contact a Bergen County divorce lawyer for a free consultation, we would be more than happy to talk with you about the best way to proceed from here.

Whether you were served with divorce papers or you are the one seeking a divorce, this can be a very long and difficult process for all parties involved, especially if there are children caught in the middle. Unfortunately, it is all too common for the two people divorcing to allow their emotions to dictate their actions, which they often regret afterward. A lawyer is available to help sort through the issues that are most important to you, and to assist you in making appropriate preparations for the new life you will now have. It is understandable that you desire to protect your financial stability, and this is why it is especially important for you to hire a divorce attorney. This way, you not only desire to have your and your children’s best interests being represented, but you will have peace of mind knowing that someone is working to protect your rights, your assets and your financial future. Having a divorce lawyer will actually protect your ability to stay financially stable once the divorce process is completed.Once you know that divorce is the next step, it is important for you to hire a family lawyer to be your guide, protector, and defender. Here are some tips for finding a divorce/family lawyer that is a good fit for you.

1. Ask Around. It is likely that you have friends or family who have experienced a divorce and have had a personal experience.
2. Do Your Homework. Once you have a few names to contact, look online for reviews of this lawyer’s previous cases. Don’t be afraid to ask him/her for clients you can contact and inquire about the services they received. Ask whether the lawyer was easily accessible or whether the client had to wait several days before getting a call returned. Inquire about any unexpected fees that were added during the process.
3. Ask All The Questions You Want. This is your opportunity to conduct and interview and find out whether this lawyer is one you can trust with your divorce details. You may set up a consultation, but be sure to find out up front what the cost is. Most lawyers charge for an initial consultation, around $100-$200. Ask such questions as:
4. Go With Your Gut. If your initial reaction is uneasiness or a sense of not being understood or respected by this person, then walk away. It is better to lose a little bit of money because of a bad feeling than to stay with a lawyer who you do not feel comfortable with.
5. Get It In Writing. Once you have found the best family lawyer to represent you, be sure to get your agreement in writing. This is, after all, a business relationship and you want to make sure that you have a formal agreement of what this relationship will entail.

We work hard to ensure our clients are treated with the utmost care, especially while experiencing the pain and agony that divorce often brings. Call us today to set up a consultation so that we can help you plan for the next steps you need to take.